First Flight
Mr Johnson had never been up in an aerophane before and he had read a lot about air accidents, so one day when a friend offered to take him for a ride in his own small phane, Mr Johnson was very worried about accepting Finally, however, his friend persuaded him that it was very safe, and Mr Johnson boarded the plane
His friend started the engine and began to taxi onto the runway of the airport Mr Johnson had heard that the most dangerous part of a flight were the take-off and the landing, so he was extremely frightened and closed his eyes
After a minute or two he opened them again, looked out of the window of the plane, and said to his friend, "Look at those people down there They look as small as ants, don't they"
"Those are ants," answered his friend "We're still on the ground"
第一次坐飞机
约翰逊先生从前未乘过飞机，他读过许多关于飞行事故的报道。所以，有一天一位朋友邀请他乘自己的小飞机飞行时，约翰逊先生非常担心，不敢接受。不过，由于朋友不断保证说飞行是很安全的，约翰逊先生终于被说服了，登上了飞机。
他的朋友启动引擎开始在机场跑道上滑行。约翰逊先生听说飞行中最危险的是起飞与降落，所以他吓得紧闭双眼。
过了一两分钟，他睁开双眼朝窗外望去，接着对朋友说道：“看下面那些人，他们看起来就象蚂蚁一样小，是不是？”
“那些就是蚂蚁，”他的朋友答道，“我们还在地面上。”
A Nail Or A Fly
An old gentleman whose eyesight was failing came to stay in a hotel room with a bottle of wine in each hand On the wall there was a fly which he took for a nail So the moment he hung them on, the bottles fell broken and the wine spilt all over the floor When a waitress discovered what had happened, she showed deep sympathy for him and decided to do him a favour
So the next morning when he was out taking a walk in the roof garden, she hammered a nail exactly where the fly had stayed
Now the old man entered his room The smell of the spilt wine reminded him of the accident When he looked up at the wall, he found the fly was there again! He walked to it carefully adn slapped it with all his strength On hearing a loud cry, the kind-hearted waitress rushed in To her great surprise, the poor old man was there sitting on the floor, his teeth clenched and his right hand bleeding!
钉子还是苍蝇？
一位视力正在衰退的老绅士住进了一家旅馆的客房。他双手各拿一瓶酒。在墙上有只苍蝇，他误以为是枚钉子。他把两只瓶子朝上一挂，瓶子掉下来摔碎了，酒洒了一地。一个女服务员发现发生的事情以后，对他深表同情，决定帮他个忙。
于是，第二天早上他到楼顶花园散步时，她把一枚钉子钉在了苍蝇停过的地方。
这里，老人回到了房里。倒洒的酒味让他想起了那件事。他抬头往墙上一看，苍蝇又停在了那儿!他轻手轻脚地走近，使尽全力拍了一掌。听到一声大叫，好心的女服务员冲进房来。让她大为吃惊的是，可怜的老头正坐在地板上，牙关紧咬，右手滴血不止。
Chaude and Cold
A patron in Montreal cafe turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded "This is an outrage," he complained "The faucet marked C gave me boiling water"
"But, Monsieur, C stands for chaude - French for hot You should know that if you live in Montreal"
"Wait a minute," roared the patron "The other tap is also marked C"
"Of course," said the manager, "It stands for cold After all, Montreal is a bilingual city"
热与冷
蒙特利尔自助餐厅的一位顾客拧开盥洗室的龙头，结果被水烫伤了。“这太可恶了，”他抱怨道，“标着C的龙头流出的是开水。”
“可是，先生，C代表Chaude－法语里代表‘热’。如果您居住在蒙特利尔的话就得知道这一点。”
“等等，”那位顾客咆哮一声，“另外一个龙头同样标的是C。”
“当然，”经理说道：“它代表冷。毕竟，蒙特利尔是个双语城市。”
Imitate Birds
A man tried to get a job in a stage show "What can you do" asked the producer
"Imitate birds," the man said
"Are you kidding" answered the producer, "People like that are a dime a dozen"
"Well, I guess that's that" said the actor, as he spread his arms and flew out the window
模仿鸟儿
一个人想在一个舞台剧中找份工作。“你能干什么呢？”负责人问。
“模仿鸟儿，”那人说。
“你在开玩笑吧？”负责人答道，“那样的人一毛钱可以找一打。”
“噢，那就算了。”那名演员说着，展开翅膀，飞出了窗口。
How Did You Ever Get Here
One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 45 minutes late "It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two"
The boss eyed him suspiciously "Oh, yeah Then how did you ever get here"
"I finally gave up," he said, "and started for home"
你是怎样来的？
一个冬天的早晨，一名雇员解释他为什么迟到了四十五分钟才起来上班。“外面太滑了，我每向前迈一步，就要向后退两步。”
老板狐疑地看着他。“噢，是吗？那你是怎样到这里来的？”
“后来我决定放弃，”他说，“然后我就往家里走。”
Keep the Change
Selling secondhand books at our church bazaar, I got into an argument with a prospective customer He was interested in buying The Pocket Book of Ogden Nash but claimed it was overpriced at 35 cents Other paperbacks were selling for ten or 15 cents each
I pointed out that the book was in good condition Nash was a fun poet, and it was for a good cause He said it was a matter of principle Ultimately, I agreed to sell him the book for 15 cents Triumphant, he paid with a $10 bill "Keep the change," he said
零钱不用找了
在教堂的义卖市上卖旧书时，我与一名准备买东西的顾客发生了一场争论。他对购买袖珍奥金纳什集颇感兴趣，但是说它要三十五美分开价过高。其它的平装书每本才卖十或十五美分。
我指出这本书保存状况颇好，纳什是个有趣的诗人，这个要价是合理的。他说这是个原则问题。最终，我同意以十五美分的价格将这本书卖给他。他得意洋洋，拿出一张十美元的票子付帐。“零钱不用找了。”他说。
Midway Tactics
Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall Observers waited for mayhem to ensue
The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, "Gigantic Sale!" and "Super Bargains!"
The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, "Prices Slashed!" and "Fantastic Discounts!"
The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, "ENTRANCE"
中间战术
三个互相争生意的商店老板在一条林荫道上租用了毗邻的店铺。旁观者等着瞧好戏。
右边的零售商挂起了巨大的招牌，上书：“大减价!”“特便宜!”
左边的商店挂出了更大的招牌，声称：“大砍价!”“大折扣!”
中间的商人随后准备了一个大招牌，上面只简单地写着：“入口处”。
Best Reward
A naval officer fell overboard He was rescued by a deck hand The officer asked how he could reward him
"The best way, sir," said the deck hand, "is to say nothing about it If the other fellows knew I'd pulled you out, they'd chuck me in"
最好的奖赏
一名海军军官从甲板上掉入海中。他被一名甲板水手救起。这位军官问如何都能酬谢他。
“最好的办法，长官，”这名水手说，“是别声张这事。如果其他人知道我救了您，他们会把我扔下去的。”
A Mistake
An Amercian, a Scot and a Canadian were killed in a car accident They arrived at the gates of heaven, where a flustered St Peterexplained that there had been a mistake "Give me $500 each," he said, "and I'll return you to earth as if the whole thing never happened"
"Done!" said the American Instantly, he found himself standing unhurt near the scene
"Where are the others" asked a medic
"Last I knew," said the American, "the Scot was huggling price, and the Canadian was arguing that his government should pay"
搞错了
一位美国人，一位英格兰人和一位加拿大人在一场车祸中丧生。他们到达天堂的门口。在那里，醉醺醺的圣彼德解释说是搞错了。“每人给我五百美元，”他说，“我将把你们送回人间，就象什么都没有发生过一样。”
“成交!”美国人说。立刻，他发现自己毫不损伤地站在现场附近。
“其他人在哪儿？”一名医生问道。
“我离开之前，”那名美国人说，“我看见英格兰人正在砍价，而那名加拿大人正在分辩说应该由他的政府来出这笔钱。”
Imitation
A schoolboy went home with a pain in his stomach "Well, sit down and eat your tea," said his mother "Your stomach's hurting because it's empty It'll be all right when you've got something in it"
Shortly afterwards Dad come in from the office, complaining of a headache
"That's because it's empty," said his bright son "You'd be all right if you had something in it"
模 仿
一个男孩放学回家时，觉得肚子痛。“来，坐下，吃点点心，”妈妈说，“你肚子痛是因为肚子是空的。吃点东西就会好的。”
一会儿，男孩的爸爸下班回家了，说是头痛。
“你头痛是因为你的脑袋是空的，”他那聪明的儿子说，“里面装点东西，就会好的。”
Bedtime Prayers
Julie was saying her bedtime prayers "Please God," she said, "make Naples the capital of Italy Make Naples the capital of Italy"
Her mother interrupted and said "Julie, why do you want God to make Naples the capital of Italy"
And Julie replyed, "Because that's what I put in my geography exam!"
睡前祷告词
朱莉叶在做睡前祷告。“上帝，求求你，”她说，“让那不勒斯成为意大利的首都吧。”
妈妈打断她的话说：“朱莉叶，为什么求上帝让那不勒斯成为意大利的首都呢？”
朱莉叶回答道：“因为我在地理考卷上是这样写的。”
A Fine Match
One day a lady saw a mouse running across her kitchen floor She was very afraid of mouse, so she ran out of the house, got into a bus and went to the shops There she bought a mousetrap The shopkeeper said to her, "Put some cheese in it and you will soon catch that mouse"
The lady went home with her mousetrap, but when she looked in her cupboard, she could not find any cheese in it She did not want to go back to the shop, because it was very late, so she cut a picture of some cheese out of a magazine and put that in the trap
Surprisingly, the picture of the cheese was quite successful! When the lady came down to the kitchen the next morning she found a picture of a mouse in the trap beside the picture of the cheese!
势均力敌
有一天某位女士看到一只老鼠在自家的厨房地板上窜过。她很害怕老鼠，所以她冲出屋子，搭上了公共汽车直奔商店。在那儿，她买了一只老鼠夹。店主告诉她：“放点奶酪在里面，很快你就会逮住那只老鼠的。”
这位女士带着鼠夹回到家里，但她没有在碗橱里找到奶酪。她不想再回到商店里去，因为已经很晚了。于是，她就从一份杂志中剪下一幅奶酪的放进了夹子。
令人称奇的是，这画有奶酪的竟然奏效了!第二天早上，这位女士下楼到厨房时，发现鼠夹里奶酪旁有一张画有老鼠的!
Class and Ass
Professor Laurie of Glasgow put his notice on his door: "Professor Laurie will not meet his classes today"
A student, after reading the notice, rubbed out the "c"
Later Professor Laurie came along, and entering into the spirit of the joke, rubbed out the "l"
班和笨驴
格拉斯哥的劳里教授在门上贴了这样一个通知：“劳里教授今天不见他的班级。”
一个学生读了通知后，擦掉了字母“c”(lass：姑娘)。
后来劳里教授来了，也想开开玩笑，他擦掉了字母“l”(ass：笨驴)。
请问 un homelette 是什么意思啊？？？貌似是拉康的理论或著作一类的。或许是un omelette急求！！！
英语短文：狐狸和公鸡（双语）
One morning a fox sees a cockHe think,"This is my breakfast''
He comes up to the cock and says,"I know you can sing very wellCan you sing for me''The cock is gladHe closes his eyes and begins to sing
he fox sees that and caches him in his mouth and carries him away The people in the field see the fox
They cry,"Look,look!The fox is carrying the cock away''The cock says to the fox,"Mr Fox,do you understandThe people say you are carrying their cock awayTell them it is yoursNot theirs''
The fox opens his mouth ang says,"The cock is mine,not yours''Just then the cock runs away from the fox and flies into the tree
一天早上，一只狐狸看到了一只公鸡。他想：这是我的早餐。
他朝公鸡走来，对他说：“我知道，你能唱得非常好听，你能唱给我听么？”公鸡很高兴。他闭上眼睛开始唱歌。
狐狸看到这些抓住它放到自己的嘴里走了。在田地里的人们看到了狐狸。
大喊大叫：“看，看！狐狸抓住公鸡逃走了。”公鸡对狐狸说：“狐狸先生，你能理解么？人们认为你叼走了公鸡。告诉他们这是你的，不是他们的。”
狐狸张开她的嘴说：“公鸡是我的，不是你们的。”就在那时，。公鸡跑到了树底下。
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初中英语词汇教学研究中的关键词有哪些
两个都对…………因为拉康在这里做了一个合成词 人-煎蛋
homme(人)+omelette（煎蛋）= hommelette
而法语中lette这种后缀又表示“小的……”
我本人对拉康的lamelle薄膜理论不是特别了解，只好给你摘两段文字了：
In a more recent formulation, Lacan characterizes the libido as an imaginary bodily organ he calls the lamella or l’hommelette The latter term means both "omelet" and "little feminine man"; Lacan offers it as a witty play on Plato’s myth that human beings were originally egg-shaped androgynes who were only later divided into the two sexes Lacan, knowing how to make a good French omelet, also knows how to capture the floating, insistent, sometimes queasy character that desire assumes when imagined or intuited apart from its objects He simply breaks some eggs: "Let us imagine it, a large crepe moving about like the amoeba, ultra-flat for passing under doors, omniscient in being led by pure instinct, immortal in being scissiparous Here is something you would not like to feel creeping over your face, silently while you are asleep, in order to seal it up" Isn’t it possible that what is thrown toward the opera in the dream of Freud’s young man is not something proper to the dreamer’s body but the adhesive substance of l’hommelette And since the throw targets no specific scene, but only the operatic conjuncture of music and drama, orchestra pit and stage, wouldn’t it be possible to see in the throw a recognition that opera is always already the site of l’hommelette, always already covered at every point of its surface with the substance of desire
另一段 是法语的
Lacan qui analyse le besoin en corrélation avec le manque, le manque radical qui résulte de la sortie du sein maternel, reprend la fable d’Aristophane dans Le banquet de Platon et la transforme avec humour en hommelette Si l’on ne fait pas d’omelette sans casser les œufs, l’on ne deviendra pas sujet sans passer par l’hommelette, c’est à dire la perte du placenta comme objet primordial perdu, sans cette première perte : l’ouverture de la première béance, la première séparation
拉康……连法国人都读不懂的拉康…… 哎 珍爱生命 好好过日子得了
英音和美音的单词差别,请举出多条例子。
First Flight
Mr Johnson had never been up in an aerophane before and he had read a lot about air accidents, so one day when a friend offered to take him for a ride in his own small phane, Mr Johnson was very worried about accepting Finally, however, his friend persuaded him that it was very safe, and Mr Johnson boarded the plane
His friend started the engine and began to taxi onto the runway of the airport Mr Johnson had heard that the most dangerous part of a flight were the take-off and the landing, so he was extremely frightened and closed his eyes
After a minute or two he opened them again, looked out of the window of the plane, and said to his friend, "Look at those people down there They look as small as ants, don't they"
"Those are ants," answered his friend "We're still on the ground"
第一次坐飞机
约翰逊先生从前未乘过飞机，他读过许多关于飞行事故的报道。所以，有一天一位朋友邀请他乘自己的小飞机飞行时，约翰逊先生非常担心，不敢接受。不过，由于朋友不断保证说飞行是很安全的，约翰逊先生终于被说服了，登上了飞机。
他的朋友启动引擎开始在机场跑道上滑行。约翰逊先生听说飞行中最危险的是起飞与降落，所以他吓得紧闭双眼。
过了一两分钟，他睁开双眼朝窗外望去，接着对朋友说道：“看下面那些人，他们看起来就象蚂蚁一样小，是不是？”
“那些就是蚂蚁，”他的朋友答道，“我们还在地面上。”
A Nail Or A Fly
An old gentleman whose eyesight was failing came to stay in a hotel room with a bottle of wine in each hand On the wall there was a fly which he took for a nail So the moment he hung them on, the bottles fell broken and the wine spilt all over the floor When a waitress discovered what had happened, she showed deep sympathy for him and decided to do him a favour
So the next morning when he was out taking a walk in the roof garden, she hammered a nail exactly where the fly had stayed
Now the old man entered his room The smell of the spilt wine reminded him of the accident When he looked up at the wall, he found the fly was there again! He walked to it carefully adn slapped it with all his strength On hearing a loud cry, the kind-hearted waitress rushed in To her great surprise, the poor old man was there sitting on the floor, his teeth clenched and his right hand bleeding!
钉子还是苍蝇？
一位视力正在衰退的老绅士住进了一家旅馆的客房。他双手各拿一瓶酒。在墙上有只苍蝇，他误以为是枚钉子。他把两只瓶子朝上一挂，瓶子掉下来摔碎了，酒洒了一地。一个女服务员发现发生的事情以后，对他深表同情，决定帮他个忙。
于是，第二天早上他到楼顶花园散步时，她把一枚钉子钉在了苍蝇停过的地方。
这里，老人回到了房里。倒洒的酒味让他想起了那件事。他抬头往墙上一看，苍蝇又停在了那儿!他轻手轻脚地走近，使尽全力拍了一掌。听到一声大叫，好心的女服务员冲进房来。让她大为吃惊的是，可怜的老头正坐在地板上，牙关紧咬，右手滴血不止。
Chaude and Cold
A patron in Montreal cafe turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded "This is an outrage," he complained "The faucet marked C gave me boiling water"
"But, Monsieur, C stands for chaude - French for hot You should know that if you live in Montreal"
"Wait a minute," roared the patron "The other tap is also marked C"
"Of course," said the manager, "It stands for cold After all, Montreal is a bilingual city"
热与冷
蒙特利尔自助餐厅的一位顾客拧开盥洗室的龙头，结果被水烫伤了。“这太可恶了，”他抱怨道，“标着C的龙头流出的是开水。”
“可是，先生，C代表Chaude－法语里代表‘热’。如果您居住在蒙特利尔的话就得知道这一点。”
“等等，”那位顾客咆哮一声，“另外一个龙头同样标的是C。”
“当然，”经理说道：“它代表冷。毕竟，蒙特利尔是个双语城市。”
Imitate Birds
A man tried to get a job in a stage show "What can you do" asked the producer
"Imitate birds," the man said
"Are you kidding" answered the producer, "People like that are a dime a dozen"
"Well, I guess that's that" said the actor, as he spread his arms and flew out the window
模仿鸟儿
一个人想在一个舞台剧中找份工作。“你能干什么呢？”负责人问。
“模仿鸟儿，”那人说。
“你在开玩笑吧？”负责人答道，“那样的人一毛钱可以找一打。”
“噢，那就算了。”那名演员说着，展开翅膀，飞出了窗口。
How Did You Ever Get Here
One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 45 minutes late "It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two"
The boss eyed him suspiciously "Oh, yeah Then how did you ever get here"
"I finally gave up," he said, "and started for home"
你是怎样来的？
一个冬天的早晨，一名雇员解释他为什么迟到了四十五分钟才起来上班。“外面太滑了，我每向前迈一步，就要向后退两步。”
老板狐疑地看着他。“噢，是吗？那你是怎样到这里来的？”
“后来我决定放弃，”他说，“然后我就往家里走。”
Keep the Change
Selling secondhand books at our church bazaar, I got into an argument with a prospective customer He was interested in buying The Pocket Book of Ogden Nash but claimed it was overpriced at 35 cents Other paperbacks were selling for ten or 15 cents each
I pointed out that the book was in good condition Nash was a fun poet, and it was for a good cause He said it was a matter of principle Ultimately, I agreed to sell him the book for 15 cents Triumphant, he paid with a $10 bill "Keep the change," he said
零钱不用找了
在教堂的义卖市上卖旧书时，我与一名准备买东西的顾客发生了一场争论。他对购买袖珍奥金纳什集颇感兴趣，但是说它要三十五美分开价过高。其它的平装书每本才卖十或十五美分。
我指出这本书保存状况颇好，纳什是个有趣的诗人，这个要价是合理的。他说这是个原则问题。最终，我同意以十五美分的价格将这本书卖给他。他得意洋洋，拿出一张十美元的票子付帐。“零钱不用找了。”他说。
Midway Tactics
Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall Observers waited for mayhem to ensue
The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, "Gigantic Sale!" and "Super Bargains!"
The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, "Prices Slashed!" and "Fantastic Discounts!"
The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, "ENTRANCE"
中间战术
三个互相争生意的商店老板在一条林荫道上租用了毗邻的店铺。旁观者等着瞧好戏。
右边的零售商挂起了巨大的招牌，上书：“大减价!”“特便宜!”
左边的商店挂出了更大的招牌，声称：“大砍价!”“大折扣!”
中间的商人随后准备了一个大招牌，上面只简单地写着：“入口处”。
Best Reward
A naval officer fell overboard He was rescued by a deck hand The officer asked how he could reward him
"The best way, sir," said the deck hand, "is to say nothing about it If the other fellows knew I'd pulled you out, they'd chuck me in"
最好的奖赏
一名海军军官从甲板上掉入海中。他被一名甲板水手救起。这位军官问如何都能酬谢他。
“最好的办法，长官，”这名水手说，“是别声张这事。如果其他人知道我救了您，他们会把我扔下去的。”
A Mistake
An Amercian, a Scot and a Canadian were killed in a car accident They arrived at the gates of heaven, where a flustered St Peterexplained that there had been a mistake "Give me $500 each," he said, "and I'll return you to earth as if the whole thing never happened"
"Done!" said the American Instantly, he found himself standing unhurt near the scene
"Where are the others" asked a medic
"Last I knew," said the American, "the Scot was huggling price, and the Canadian was arguing that his government should pay"
搞错了
一位美国人，一位英格兰人和一位加拿大人在一场车祸中丧生。他们到达天堂的门口。在那里，醉醺醺的圣彼德解释说是搞错了。“每人给我五百美元，”他说，“我将把你们送回人间，就象什么都没有发生过一样。”
“成交!”美国人说。立刻，他发现自己毫不损伤地站在现场附近。
“其他人在哪儿？”一名医生问道。
“我离开之前，”那名美国人说，“我看见英格兰人正在砍价，而那名加拿大人正在分辩说应该由他的政府来出这笔钱。”
Imitation
A schoolboy went home with a pain in his stomach "Well, sit down and eat your tea," said his mother "Your stomach's hurting because it's empty It'll be all right when you've got something in it"
Shortly afterwards Dad come in from the office, complaining of a headache
"That's because it's empty," said his bright son "You'd be all right if you had something in it"
模 仿
一个男孩放学回家时，觉得肚子痛。“来，坐下，吃点点心，”妈妈说，“你肚子痛是因为肚子是空的。吃点东西就会好的。”
一会儿，男孩的爸爸下班回家了，说是头痛。
“你头痛是因为你的脑袋是空的，”他那聪明的儿子说，“里面装点东西，就会好的。”
Bedtime Prayers
Julie was saying her bedtime prayers "Please God," she said, "make Naples the capital of Italy Make Naples the capital of Italy"
Her mother interrupted and said "Julie, why do you want God to make Naples the capital of Italy"
And Julie replyed, "Because that's what I put in my geography exam!"
睡前祷告词
朱莉叶在做睡前祷告。“上帝，求求你，”她说，“让那不勒斯成为意大利的首都吧。”
妈妈打断她的话说：“朱莉叶，为什么求上帝让那不勒斯成为意大利的首都呢？”
朱莉叶回答道：“因为我在地理考卷上是这样写的。”
A Fine Match
One day a lady saw a mouse running across her kitchen floor She was very afraid of mouse, so she ran out of the house, got into a bus and went to the shops There she bought a mousetrap The shopkeeper said to her, "Put some cheese in it and you will soon catch that mouse"
The lady went home with her mousetrap, but when she looked in her cupboard, she could not find any cheese in it She did not want to go back to the shop, because it was very late, so she cut a picture of some cheese out of a magazine and put that in the trap
Surprisingly, the picture of the cheese was quite successful! When the lady came down to the kitchen the next morning she found a picture of a mouse in the trap beside the picture of the cheese!
势均力敌
有一天某位女士看到一只老鼠在自家的厨房地板上窜过。她很害怕老鼠，所以她冲出屋子，搭上了公共汽车直奔商店。在那儿，她买了一只老鼠夹。店主告诉她：“放点奶酪在里面，很快你就会逮住那只老鼠的。”
这位女士带着鼠夹回到家里，但她没有在碗橱里找到奶酪。她不想再回到商店里去，因为已经很晚了。于是，她就从一份杂志中剪下一幅奶酪的放进了夹子。
令人称奇的是，这画有奶酪的竟然奏效了!第二天早上，这位女士下楼到厨房时，发现鼠夹里奶酪旁有一张画有老鼠的!
Class and Ass
Professor Laurie of Glasgow put his notice on his door: "Professor Laurie will not meet his classes today"
A student, after reading the notice, rubbed out the "c"
Later Professor Laurie came along, and entering into the spirit of the joke, rubbed out the "l"
班和笨驴
格拉斯哥的劳里教授在门上贴了这样一个通知：“劳里教授今天不见他的班级。”
一个学生读了通知后，擦掉了字母“c”(lass：姑娘)。
后来劳里教授来了，也想开开玩笑，他擦掉了字母“l”(ass：笨驴)。
英语幽默搞笑短文
1、发音的差异
比如，“阿姨”的单词都是aunt，英音读/ɑːnt/，美音读/ænt/。这种差异常称作口音（Accent）的差别，就好像汉语有普通话口音和台湾口音。
2、表达的差异
比如：“秋天”，英式英语说autumn，美式英语说fall。“朝窗外看”，英式英语说look out of the window，美式英语说look out the window。现在英式、美式英语也有融合的趋势。
英、美发音差异
下面用BrA代表英式发音（British Accent），用AmA代表美式发音（American Accent）。
含r的元音字母组合中，英音不发/r/音，美音要发。
（BrA – AmA）
work /wɜːk/ – work /wɜːrk/ 工作
door /dɔː/ – door /dɔːr/ 门
centre /ˈsentə/ – center /ˈsentər/ 中心（拼写也有不同）
[BrA中，只有当r后面有元音时，才会发音，比如：care about /keər əˈbaʊt]
a发/ɑː/还是/æ/？
BrA中，部分单词里的字母a发/ɑː/，ArA发/æ/。
（BrA – AmA）
class /klɑːs/ – class /klæs/ 班级
laugh /lɑːf/ – laugh /læf/ 大笑
after /ˈɑːftə(r)/ – after /ˈæftər/ 之后
例外：father，在BrE和AmE中均发/ɑː的音。
/ɒ/还是/ɑː/？
英音中的/ɒ/，在美音中，会发/ɑː/。但不是绝对的。
（BrA – AmA）
clock /klɒk/ - clock /klɑːk/ 钟
long /lɒŋ/ - long /lɑːŋ/ 长的
top /tɒp/ - dog /tɑːp/ 顶部
t没有在s后，也可读成类似/d/的音
我们知道，不管是英音还是美音，t在s后（如stop），发类似短而快的/d/，即不送气的/t/。stop听起来像/sdɒp/。
在AmA中，t没有在s后，也有可能发类似的/d/，这种情况是：当“t”出现在重读元音和弱元音之间时，发类似短而快的/d/，即不送气的/t/。
（BrA – AmA）
better /ˈbetə – better /ˈbetər/（发音近似/ˈbedər/）更好的
party /ˈpɑːtɪ/ – party /ˈpɑːrtɪ/（发音近似/ˈpɑːrdɪ/）派对
thirty /ˈθɜːtɪ/ - thirty /ˈθɜːrtɪ/（发音近似/ˈθɜːrdɪ/）三十
ju:还是u:
BrA中，当/u:/音跟在/t/, /d/和/n/之后，发/ju:/的音；
AmA中，出现在该位置的/u:/不发/j/的音。
（BrA – AmA）
new /njuː/ – new /nuː/ 新的
Tuesday /ˈtjuːzdeɪ/ - Tuesday /ˈtuːzdeɪ/ 星期二
student /ˈstjuːdnt/ - student /ˈstuːdnt/ 学生
词尾–ile是否弱化为/əl/？
BrE中，对待来自拉丁词根的以-ile结尾的形容词时，通常将其发为/aɪl/的音；AmE中，上述词尾发音往往弱化为/əl/。
（BrA – AmA）
missile /ˈmɪsaɪl/ – missile /ˈmɪsl/ 导弹
fertile /ˈfɜːtaɪl/ – fertile /ˈfɜːrtl/ 肥沃的
fragile /ˈfrædʒaɪl/ – fragile /ˈfrædʒl/ 脆弱的
弱化倒数第二个音节
相关词尾：-berry, -ory, -mony。BrE中，当这些词缀前面的音节非重读时，其通常会弱化为/ərɪ/和/mənɪ/；AmE中，同等情况下上述词缀通常不弱化，发为/erɪ/, /ɔːrɪ/和/moʊnɪ/。
（BrA – AmA）
strawberry /ˈstrɔːbəri/ – strawberry /ˈstrɔːberi/ 草莓
dormitory /ˈdɔːmətri/ – dormitory /ˈdɔːrmətɔːri/ 宿舍
ceremony /ˈserəməni/ – ceremony /ˈserəmoʊni/ 典礼
关于–ization的i
■ BrE中，以-ization结尾的单词，第一个i发/aɪ/的音；AmE中，该词尾第一个i弱化为/ə/。
（BrA – AmA）
civilization /ˌsɪvəlaɪˈzeɪʃn/ – civilization /ˌsɪvələˈzeɪʃn/ 文明
organization /ˌɔːɡənaɪˈzeɪʃn/ – organization /ˌɔːrɡənəˈzeɪʃn/ 组织
重音在前或在后
大多数以-ate结尾的双音节词，在BrA中重音在第二音节，而AmA中重音在第一音节。
（BrA – AmA）
locate /ləʊˈkeɪt/ - locate /ˈloʊkeɪt/ 位于
■ 其他一些BrA中重音在后，AmA中重音在前的单词如下：
（BrA – AmA）
cigarette /ˌsɪɡəˈret/ – cigarette /ˈsɪɡəret/ 香烟
laboratory /ləˈbɒrətri/ – laboratory /ˈlæbrətɔːri/ 实验室
许多从法语中借来的单词，BrA发音时重音在前，而AmA发音时中重音在后。
（BrA – AmA）
buffet /ˈbʊfeɪ/ – buffet /bəˈfeɪ/ 自助餐
café /ˈkæfeɪ/ – café /kæˈfeɪ/ 咖啡馆
advertisement /ədˈvɜːtɪsmənt/ – advertisement/ˌædvərˈtaɪzmənt/ 广告
/əʊ/还是/oʊ/？
BrE的/əʊ/在ArA中发/oʊ/。
（BrA – AmA）
go /gəʊ/ – go /goʊ/ 去
其他
一些难以归类的常见词发音区别
（BrA – AmA）
tomato /təˈmɑːtəʊ/ – tomato /təˈmeɪtoʊ/ 番茄
either /ˈaɪðə/ – either /ˈiːðə(r)/ 两者选一，要么
小结：
1、英音和美音的差异有一定规律可寻，但总有例外，需要我们在学习中逐一发现、记忆。
2、上述只是主要差异规律的对比。有些英美发音差异非常明显，容易被注意到，需要认真模仿，有些差异则不是很重要。
3、随着通讯科技的发展，人类的交往变得容易，英美人士的口音也有融合的趋势。
4、英音和美音还有语调方法的差异，可以通过模仿进行练习。
扩展资料
1、英语在下列国家和地区是第一语言：澳大利亚、巴哈马、爱尔兰、巴巴多斯、百慕大、圭亚那、牙买加、新西兰、圣克里斯多福及尼维斯、特立尼达和多巴哥、英国和美国。目前世界上把英语作为第一语言(本族语)的人口约有 3亿。
2、英语在下列国家和地区中是主要的语言，这些国家包括巴西（连同葡萄牙语）、加拿大（连同法语）、多米尼克、圣路西亚和圣文森及格瑞那丁（连同法语）、密克罗尼西亚联邦、爱尔兰（连同爱尔兰语）、利比里亚（连同非洲语言）。
新加坡、马来西亚和南非（连同南非荷兰语和其他非洲语言）。作为第二语言(即不是本族语，但为所在国通用语)使用的人口约有25亿。
3、英语是下列国家和地区的官方语言（之一），但不是本地语言：斐济、加纳、冈比亚、香港（英语是香港最重要的语言之一）、印度、基里巴斯、莱索托、肯尼亚、纳米比亚、尼日利亚。
马耳他、马绍尔群岛、巴基斯坦、巴布亚新几内亚、菲律宾、所罗门群岛、萨摩亚群岛、塞拉利昂、斯威士兰、坦桑尼亚、赞比亚和津巴布韦。
把英语作为外国语使用的人约3～5亿。
4、另外，英语在欧洲及日本是最普遍作为外语来学习的语言（326%），接着是法语、德语和西班牙语。
——英语口语
英语搞笑故事
First Flight
Mr Johnson had never been up in an aerophane before and he had read a lot about air accidents, so one day when a friend offered to take him for a ride in his own small phane, Mr Johnson was very worried about accepting Finally, however, his friend persuaded him that it was very safe, and Mr Johnson boarded the plane
His friend started the engine and began to taxi onto the runway of the airport Mr Johnson had heard that the most dangerous part of a flight were the take-off and the landing, so he was extremely frightened and closed his eyes
After a minute or two he opened them again, looked out of the window of the plane, and said to his friend, "Look at those people down there They look as small as ants, don't they"
"Those are ants," answered his friend "We're still on the ground"
第一次坐飞机
约翰逊先生从前未乘过飞机，他读过许多关于飞行事故的报道。所以，有一天一位朋友邀请他乘自己的小飞机飞行时，约翰逊先生非常担心，不敢接受。不过，由于朋友不断保证说飞行是很安全的，约翰逊先生终于被说服了，登上了飞机。
他的朋友启动引擎开始在机场跑道上滑行。约翰逊先生听说飞行中最危险的是起飞与降落，所以他吓得紧闭双眼。
过了一两分钟，他睁开双眼朝窗外望去，接着对朋友说道：“看下面那些人，他们看起来就象蚂蚁一样小，是不是？”
“那些就是蚂蚁，”他的朋友答道，“我们还在地面上。”
A Nail Or A Fly
An old gentleman whose eyesight was failing came to stay in a hotel room with a bottle of wine in each hand On the wall there was a fly which he took for a nail So the moment he hung them on, the bottles fell broken and the wine spilt all over the floor When a waitress discovered what had happened, she showed deep sympathy for him and decided to do him a favour
So the next morning when he was out taking a walk in the roof garden, she hammered a nail exactly where the fly had stayed
Now the old man entered his room The smell of the spilt wine reminded him of the accident When he looked up at the wall, he found the fly was there again! He walked to it carefully adn slapped it with all his strength On hearing a loud cry, the kind-hearted waitress rushed in To her great surprise, the poor old man was there sitting on the floor, his teeth clenched and his right hand bleeding!
钉子还是苍蝇？
一位视力正在衰退的老绅士住进了一家旅馆的客房。他双手各拿一瓶酒。在墙上有只苍蝇，他误以为是枚钉子。他把两只瓶子朝上一挂，瓶子掉下来摔碎了，酒洒了一地。一个女服务员发现发生的事情以后，对他深表同情，决定帮他个忙。
于是，第二天早上他到楼顶花园散步时，她把一枚钉子钉在了苍蝇停过的地方。
这里，老人回到了房里。倒洒的酒味让他想起了那件事。他抬头往墙上一看，苍蝇又停在了那儿!他轻手轻脚地走近，使尽全力拍了一掌。听到一声大叫，好心的女服务员冲进房来。让她大为吃惊的是，可怜的老头正坐在地板上，牙关紧咬，右手滴血不止。
Chaude and Cold
A patron in Montreal cafe turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded "This is an outrage," he complained "The faucet marked C gave me boiling water"
"But, Monsieur, C stands for chaude - French for hot You should know that if you live in Montreal"
"Wait a minute," roared the patron "The other tap is also marked C"
"Of course," said the manager, "It stands for cold After all, Montreal is a bilingual city"
热与冷
蒙特利尔自助餐厅的一位顾客拧开盥洗室的龙头，结果被水烫伤了。“这太可恶了，”他抱怨道，“标着C的龙头流出的是开水。”
“可是，先生，C代表Chaude－法语里代表‘热’。如果您居住在蒙特利尔的话就得知道这一点。”
“等等，”那位顾客咆哮一声，“另外一个龙头同样标的是C。”
“当然，”经理说道：“它代表冷。毕竟，蒙特利尔是个双语城市。”
Imitate Birds
A man tried to get a job in a stage show "What can you do" asked the producer
"Imitate birds," the man said
"Are you kidding" answered the producer, "People like that are a dime a dozen"
"Well, I guess that's that" said the actor, as he spread his arms and flew out the window
模仿鸟儿
一个人想在一个舞台剧中找份工作。“你能干什么呢？”负责人问。
“模仿鸟儿，”那人说。
“你在开玩笑吧？”负责人答道，“那样的人一毛钱可以找一打。”
“噢，那就算了。”那名演员说着，展开翅膀，飞出了窗口。
How Did You Ever Get Here
One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 45 minutes late "It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two"
The boss eyed him suspiciously "Oh, yeah Then how did you ever get here"
"I finally gave up," he said, "and started for home"
你是怎样来的？
一个冬天的早晨，一名雇员解释他为什么迟到了四十五分钟才起来上班。“外面太滑了，我每向前迈一步，就要向后退两步。”
老板狐疑地看着他。“噢，是吗？那你是怎样到这里来的？”
“后来我决定放弃，”他说，“然后我就往家里走。”
Keep the Change
Selling secondhand books at our church bazaar, I got into an argument with a prospective customer He was interested in buying The Pocket Book of Ogden Nash but claimed it was overpriced at 35 cents Other paperbacks were selling for ten or 15 cents each
I pointed out that the book was in good condition Nash was a fun poet, and it was for a good cause He said it was a matter of principle Ultimately, I agreed to sell him the book for 15 cents Triumphant, he paid with a $10 bill "Keep the change," he said
零钱不用找了
在教堂的义卖市上卖旧书时，我与一名准备买东西的顾客发生了一场争论。他对购买袖珍奥金纳什集颇感兴趣，但是说它要三十五美分开价过高。其它的平装书每本才卖十或十五美分。
我指出这本书保存状况颇好，纳什是个有趣的诗人，这个要价是合理的。他说这是个原则问题。最终，我同意以十五美分的价格将这本书卖给他。他得意洋洋，拿出一张十美元的票子付帐。“零钱不用找了。”他说。
Midway Tactics
Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall Observers waited for mayhem to ensue
The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, "Gigantic Sale!" and "Super Bargains!"
The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, "Prices Slashed!" and "Fantastic Discounts!"
The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, "ENTRANCE"
中间战术
三个互相争生意的商店老板在一条林荫道上租用了毗邻的店铺。旁观者等着瞧好戏。
右边的零售商挂起了巨大的招牌，上书：“大减价!”“特便宜!”
左边的商店挂出了更大的招牌，声称：“大砍价!”“大折扣!”
中间的商人随后准备了一个大招牌，上面只简单地写着：“入口处”。
Best Reward
A naval officer fell overboard He was rescued by a deck hand The officer asked how he could reward him
"The best way, sir," said the deck hand, "is to say nothing about it If the other fellows knew I'd pulled you out, they'd chuck me in"
最好的奖赏
一名海军军官从甲板上掉入海中。他被一名甲板水手救起。这位军官问如何都能酬谢他。
“最好的办法，长官，”这名水手说，“是别声张这事。如果其他人知道我救了您，他们会把我扔下去的。”
A Mistake
An Amercian, a Scot and a Canadian were killed in a car accident They arrived at the gates of heaven, where a flustered St Peterexplained that there had been a mistake "Give me $500 each," he said, "and I'll return you to earth as if the whole thing never happened"
"Done!" said the American Instantly, he found himself standing unhurt near the scene
"Where are the others" asked a medic
"Last I knew," said the American, "the Scot was huggling price, and the Canadian was arguing that his government should pay"
搞错了
一位美国人，一位英格兰人和一位加拿大人在一场车祸中丧生。他们到达天堂的门口。在那里，醉醺醺的圣彼德解释说是搞错了。“每人给我五百美元，”他说，“我将把你们送回人间，就象什么都没有发生过一样。”
“成交!”美国人说。立刻，他发现自己毫不损伤地站在现场附近。
“其他人在哪儿？”一名医生问道。
“我离开之前，”那名美国人说，“我看见英格兰人正在砍价，而那名加拿大人正在分辩说应该由他的政府来出这笔钱。”
Imitation
A schoolboy went home with a pain in his stomach "Well, sit down and eat your tea," said his mother "Your stomach's hurting because it's empty It'll be all right when you've got something in it"
Shortly afterwards Dad come in from the office, complaining of a headache
"That's because it's empty," said his bright son "You'd be all right if you had something in it"
模 仿
一个男孩放学回家时，觉得肚子痛。“来，坐下，吃点点心，”妈妈说，“你肚子痛是因为肚子是空的。吃点东西就会好的。”
一会儿，男孩的爸爸下班回家了，说是头痛。
“你头痛是因为你的脑袋是空的，”他那聪明的儿子说，“里面装点东西，就会好的。”
Bedtime Prayers
Julie was saying her bedtime prayers "Please God," she said, "make Naples the capital of Italy Make Naples the capital of Italy"
Her mother interrupted and said "Julie, why do you want God to make Naples the capital of Italy"
And Julie replyed, "Because that's what I put in my geography exam!"
睡前祷告词
朱莉叶在做睡前祷告。“上帝，求求你，”她说，“让那不勒斯成为意大利的首都吧。”
妈妈打断她的话说：“朱莉叶，为什么求上帝让那不勒斯成为意大利的首都呢？”
朱莉叶回答道：“因为我在地理考卷上是这样写的。”
A Fine Match
One day a lady saw a mouse running across her kitchen floor She was very afraid of mouse, so she ran out of the house, got into a bus and went to the shops There she bought a mousetrap The shopkeeper said to her, "Put some cheese in it and you will soon catch that mouse"
The lady went home with her mousetrap, but when she looked in her cupboard, she could not find any cheese in it She did not want to go back to the shop, because it was very late, so she cut a picture of some cheese out of a magazine and put that in the trap
Surprisingly, the picture of the cheese was quite successful! When the lady came down to the kitchen the next morning she found a picture of a mouse in the trap beside the picture of the cheese!
势均力敌
有一天某位女士看到一只老鼠在自家的厨房地板上窜过。她很害怕老鼠，所以她冲出屋子，搭上了公共汽车直奔商店。在那儿，她买了一只老鼠夹。店主告诉她：“放点奶酪在里面，很快你就会逮住那只老鼠的。”
这位女士带着鼠夹回到家里，但她没有在碗橱里找到奶酪。她不想再回到商店里去，因为已经很晚了。于是，她就从一份杂志中剪下一幅奶酪的放进了夹子。
令人称奇的是，这画有奶酪的竟然奏效了!第二天早上，这位女士下楼到厨房时，发现鼠夹里奶酪旁有一张画有老鼠的!
Class and Ass
Professor Laurie of Glasgow put his notice on his door: "Professor Laurie will not meet his classes today"
A student, after reading the notice, rubbed out the "c"
Later Professor Laurie came along, and entering into the spirit of the joke, rubbed out the "l"
班和笨驴
格拉斯哥的劳里教授在门上贴了这样一个通知：“劳里教授今天不见他的班级。”
一个学生读了通知后，擦掉了字母“c”(lass：姑娘)。
后来劳里教授来了，也想开开玩笑，他擦掉了字母“l”(ass：笨驴)。
① 英文幽默故事
Marriage Proposal to Bernard Shaw
Once a beautiful and dissolute British actress wrote to propose marriage to Bernard Shaw． She said she did not mindBernard Shaw's old age and ugliness because he was a genius． And if they could bine the beauty of the woman with the talents of the great man，that would be greatly harmonious． “With your wisdom and my appearance，our children must be perfect．”
Bernard Shaw answered，in a letter，that her imagination wassplendid，“But，what if the children take my appearance and yourwisdom？”
向肖伯纳求婚
英国有位美貌风流的女演员，曾写信向肖伯纳求婚。她说，因为他是个天才，她不嫌肖伯纳年迈丑陋。假如能使女郎的美貌和超人的天才结合，那该是多么协调啊。“咱们的后代有你的智慧和我的美貌，那一定是十全十美了。”
肖伯纳给她回了一封信说，她的想象很是美妙，“可是，假如生下的孩子外貌象我，而智慧又象你，那又该怎么办呢？”
② 幽默英语故事
Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies The nurse es up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got ins" The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins" After awhile the nurse es up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets" Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers" Finally, the nurse es up to the third man and says "Congratulations, you got ins x2" Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons" All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong I work for 7up"!
③ 英语幽默笑话故事
Mrs Brown went to visit one of her friend and carried a all box with holes punched in the top
" What's in your box" asked the friend
"A cat," answered Mrs Brown "You see I've been dreaming about mice at night and I'm so scared! This cat is to catch them"
"But the mice are only imaginary," said the friend
"So is the cat," whispered Mrs Brown
猫和老鼠
布朗夫人去拜访一位朋友，她拿着一个顶部扎满了小眼儿的盒子。“盒子里装的是什么？”朋友问道。“一只小猫，”布朗夫人回答说，“你知道我晚上睡觉总梦见老鼠，我非常害怕。这只猫可以抓住那些老鼠。”“可老鼠都是假想的呀。”朋友说。“小猫也是假想的。”布朗夫人小声说道。
④ 关于英语的幽默故事
Three Surgeons 三个有名的外科医生
Three famous surgeons were bragging about their skills "A man came to me who had his hand cut off," said one "Today that man is a concert violinist" "That's nothing," said another "A guy came to me who had his legs cut off I stitched them back on, and today that man is a marathon runner"
"I can top both of you," said the third "One day I came on the scene of a terrible accident There was nothing left but a horse's posterior - and a pair of glasses Today that man is seated in United States Senate"
三个有名的外科医生正在吹嘘他们的技术。“一个人断了一只手，他来找我，”一个说，“如今那个人是个音乐会的小提琴手。”
“这算不了什么，”另一个说。“一个家伙两条腿断了，他来找我，我将它们接了回去。如今，那人是马拉松选手。”
“我比你们两个都强，”第三个说，“一天，我碰到一起可怕的车祸。除了一个马 ，和一幅眼睛，什么都没有留下。如今，那人坐在美国参议院里。”
一天3个人比赛射击。A，50步射中某人头上的苹果说：I am A。B，100步射中说：I am B。C，150步，开枪后说：I am sorry
⑤ 四个英语经典搞笑故事
My First and My Last
When Gee was thirty-five, he bought a all plane and learned to fly it He soon became very good and made his plane do all kinds of tricks
Gee had a friend His name was Mark One day Gee offered to take Mark up in his plane Mark thought, "I've travelled in a big plane several times, but I've never been in a all one, so I'll go"
They went up, and Gee flew around for half an hour and did all kinds of tricks in the air
When they came down again, Mark was very glad to be back safely, and he said to his friend in a shaking voice, "Well, Gee, thank you very much for those o trips in your plane"
Gerogy was very surprised and said, "Two trips"
"Yes, my first and my last," answered Mark
第一次与最后一次
乔治35岁时买了架小型飞机，并开始学习驾驶。不久，他就能很娴熟地驾机做各种各样的特技飞行了。
乔治有个朋友名叫马克。一天，乔治主动邀请马克乘他的飞机上天兜一圈。马克心想，“我乘大客机飞行过好几次，还从来没有乘过小飞机，我不妨试一试。”
升空后，乔治飞了有半个小时，在空中做了各种各样的飞行特技。
后来他们着陆了。马克很高兴能够安全返回地面。他用颤抖的声音对他的朋友说：“乔治，非常感谢你让我乘小飞机做了两次飞行。”
乔治非常吃惊地问：“两次飞行？”
“是的，我的第一次和最后一次。”马克答道。
First Flight
Mr Johnson had never been up in an aerophane before and he had read a lot about air accidents, so one day when a friend offered to take him for a ride in his own all phane, Mr Johnson was very worried about accepting Finally, however, his friend persuaded him that it was very safe, and Mr Johnson boarded the plane
His friend started the engine and began to taxi onto the runway of the airport Mr Johnson had heard that the most dangerous part of a flight were the take-off and the landing, so he was extremely frightened and closed his eyes
After a minute or o he opened them again, looked out of the window of the plane, and said to his friend, "Look at those people down there They look as all as ants, don't they"
"Those are ants," answered his friend "We're still on the ground"
第一次坐飞机
约翰逊先生从前未乘过飞机，他读过许多关于飞行事故的报道。所以，有一天一位朋友邀请他乘自己的小飞机飞行时，约翰逊先生非常担心，不敢接受。不过，由于朋友不断保证说飞行是很安全的，约翰逊先生终于被说服了，登上了飞机。
他的朋友启动引擎开始在机场跑道上滑行。约翰逊先生听说飞行中最危险的是起飞与降落，所以他吓得紧闭双眼。
过了一两分钟，他睁开双眼朝窗外望去，接着对朋友说道：“看下面那些人，他们看起来就象蚂蚁一样小，是不是？”
“那些就是蚂蚁，”他的朋友答道，“我们还在地面上。”
A Nail Or A Fly
An old gentleman whose eyesight was failing came to stay in a hotel room with a bottle of wine in each hand On the wall there was a fly which he took for a nail So the moment he hung them on, the bottles fell broken and the wine spilt all over the floor When a waitress discovered what had happened, she showed deep sympathy for him and decided to do him a favour
So the next morning when he was out taking a walk in the roof garden, she hammered a nail exactly where the fly had stayed
Now the old man entered his room The ell of the spilt wine reminded him of the accident When he looked up at the wall, he found the fly was there again! He walked to it carefully adn slapped it with all his strength On hearing a loud cry, the kind-hearted waitress rushed in To her great surprise, the poor old man was there sitting on the floor, his teeth clenched and his right hand bleeding!
钉子还是苍蝇？
一位视力正在衰退的老绅士住进了一家旅馆的客房。他双手各拿一瓶酒。在墙上有只苍蝇，他误以为是枚钉子。他把两只瓶子朝上一挂，瓶子掉下来摔碎了，酒洒了一地。一个女服务员发现发生的事情以后，对他深表同情，决定帮他个忙。
于是，第二天早上他到楼顶花园散步时，她把一枚钉子钉在了苍蝇停过的地方。
这里，老人回到了房里。倒洒的酒味让他想起了那件事。他抬头往墙上一看，苍蝇又停在了那儿!他轻手轻脚地走近，使尽全力拍了一掌。听到一声大叫，好心的女服务员冲进房来。让她大为吃惊的是，可怜的老头正坐在地板上，牙关紧咬，右手滴血不止。
I'll See to the Rest
A guard was about to signal his train to start when he saw an attractive girl standing on the platform by an open door, talking to another pretty girl inside the carriage
"Come on, miss!" he shouted "Shut the door, please!"
"Oh, I just want to kiss my sister goodbye," she called back
"You just shut that door, please," called the guard, "and I'll see to the rest"
其余的事由我负责
一位车上的列车员刚发出信号让火车启动，这时他看见一位很漂亮的姑娘站在站台上一节打开的车厢门旁边，跟车厢里另一位漂亮姑娘在说话。
“快点，**!”他喊道：“请把门关上。”
“噢，我还没有和妹妹吻别呢。”她回答道。
“请把门关上好了，”列车员说：“其余的事由我负责。”
Chaude and Cold
A patron in Montreal cafe turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded "This is an outrage," he plained "The faucet marked C gave me boiling water"
"But, Monsieur, C stands for chaude - French for hot You should know that if you live in Montreal"
"Wait a minute," roared the patron "The other tap is also marked C"
"Of course," said the manager, "It stands for cold After all, Montreal is a bilingual city"
热与冷
蒙特利尔自助餐厅的一位顾客拧开盥洗室的龙头，结果被水烫伤了。“这太可恶了，”他抱怨道，“标着C的龙头流出的是开水。”
“可是，先生，C代表Chaude－法语里代表‘热’。如果您居住在蒙特利尔的话就得知道这一点。”
“等等，”那位顾客咆哮一声，“另外一个龙头同样标的是C。”
“当然，”经理说道：“它代表冷。毕竟，蒙特利尔是个双语城市。”
这个网站里还有很多//wenku/view/6b5902aad1f34693daef3eb2
⑥ 英语搞笑故事
Weather Prediction
An old Indian chief was famous for predicting what the weather would do
A group of people went up to the chief and asked him, "What will the weather be like tomorrow"
The chief replied, "Much rain Very wet"
The next day, it did rain and it was very wet
Some more people went up to the chief and asked, "What will the weather be like tomorrow"
"Much snow Very cold" Sure enough, it snowed and it was very cold
The next day, people were so impressed with this, they asked him another time
Chief," they asked, "what will the weather do tomorrow" The chief replied, "I nno Radio broken"
⑦ 英语幽默小故事50字左右（带翻译）
Q: Why won’t the elephant use the puter
为什么大象不玩电脑？
A: He’s afraid of the mouse!
他害怕老鼠！
鼠标和老鼠的英文皆为mouse。
mouse [maʊs]n 鼠标；老鼠；胆小羞怯的人
2A much worried patiant walked into the doctor's office and asked for help。
"Doctor, I don't know what to do I accidentally drank a bottle of gasoline yesterday"
"Oh, don't worry! All you have to remember is not to oke in the next few days" The doctor said
一位很焦急的病人走到医生办公室寻求帮助。
“医生，我不知道该怎么办。昨天我不小心喝下了一瓶汽油。”
“哦，不用担心。你一定要牢记未来几天不要吸烟就行了。”医生说。
3A man was hit by a cab in the street
He was brought to the hospital
His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: "I think that he is very ill"
"I am afraid that he is dead"said the doctor,
Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: "I'm not dead I'm still alive"
"Be quiet, "said the wife "the doctor knows better than you!"
一个男人在街上被出租车撞倒送进了医院
他的妻子站在他的床前对医生说:"我想他伤得很厉害"
医生说:"我怕他已经死了"
听到医生的话,这个男人转动着头说:"我没死,我还活着"
妻子说:"安静,医生比你懂得多"
4A man goes to church and starts talking to God
He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you"
And God says: "A penny"
Then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you"
And God says: "a second",
Then the man says: "God, can I have a penny"
And God says "In a second"
一男子进入教堂和上帝对话
他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少"
上帝回答:"一便士"
男子又问:"那一百万年呢"
上帝说:"一秒钟"
最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗"
上帝回答:"过一秒钟"
5Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny
Johnny: He is ill in bed He hurt himself
Tommy: That's too bad How did that happen
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won
汤姆：约翰尼，你小弟弟好吗？
约翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了伤。
汤姆：真糟糕，怎么回事儿？
约翰尼：我们做游戏，看谁能把身子探出窗外最远，他赢了。
6Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again" asked his mother
"I'd know him any where," said Ivan "I have his ear in my pocket"
他的耳朵在我衣兜里
伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？”
“一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。
“再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。
“他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。”
⑧ 搞笑的英语故事
Talking Dog
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads "Talking Dog for Sale" Intrigued, he walks in
"So what have you done with your life" he asks the dog
"I’ve led a very full life," says the dog "I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims Then I served my country in Iraq And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home"
The guy is flabbergasted He asks the dog’s owner, "Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that"
The owner says, "Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!"
A Baby
A woman gets on a bus with her baby The bus driver says: “’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you”
⑨ 英语幽默故事
Peter
dozed
off
while
his
teacher
was
talking
老师正在讲课，彼得打起瞌睡来了。
Teacher:
Peter！Tell
us,
what's
the
biggest
in
the
world
老师：彼得！你说说，世界上什么最大？
Peter:
Well,
welleyelids
彼得:
嗯……嗯……眼皮……
Teacher:
What？Eyelids？
老师：什么？眼皮？
Peter:
Yes,
sir
Because
as
soon
as
I
shut
my
eyes,
the
eyelids
cover
everything
of
the
world
彼得：是的，老师。因为我眼睛一闭，眼皮就把世界上所有的东西都遮住了
Late
one
night
at
the
insane
asylum
(疯人院）one
inmate
shouted,
"I
am
Napoleon!"
Another
one
said,
"How
do
you
know"
The
first
inmate
said,
"God
told
me!"
Just
then,
a
voice
from
another
room
shouted,
"I
did
not!"
疯人院
一天晚上，在疯人院里，一个病人说："我是拿破仑！"另一个说："你怎么知道？"第一个人说："上帝对我说的！"一会儿，一个声音从另一个房间传来："我没说！"
